The G.R.A.P.E.S. Technique

Often it might feel overwhelming to try and get your teen to agree to spend time with you. Do you ever feel that way?

If you can relate, you are not alone. My name is Dr. Dani Schaer and one of my clinical passions is working with teens. I’m excited to share with you a technique that can be utilized to connect with your teen. Learn more about teen therapy here!

G.R.A.P.E.S. is a technique I teach both my teens and their parents. It stands for: Gentle with Self, Relaxation, Accomplishments, Pleasure, Exercise, and Socialize. Practicing G.R.A.P.E.S. with your teen requires you to set aside time with the intention to spend quality time together.

I would suggest planning a “date” or a “hang” with your teen, where the focus is enjoying time together doing something playful and engaging while practicing one of the techniques below. You may either tell your teen about utilizing the G.R.A.P.E.S technique or you might just want to try it out and see if it sticks. Remember, anything new may feel a little uncomfortable or odd at first. That is totally okay and perfectly normal. Don’t give up! If you keep trying to engage in this intentional manner, you will see an increase in connection, understanding, and communication.

Okay, let’s dive it!

G: Gentle with self

The first step is to be gentle with yourself and the expectations you put on yourself. This may look like stopping your inner critic, forgiving yourself, or easing up on unrealistic expectations. Children and teens are always absorbing (and noticing) their environment and their caregivers (also known as modeling). Through modeling they learn how to interact with themselves, others, and the world. With that being said, the way you talk to yourself and others is so critical. By modeling to your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, and giving yourself compassion, they will learn that they too can be gentle with themselves. This really can be done anywhere, at any time.

For example, you could be driving down the freeway and miss your exit. Instead of saying, “Oh my gosh, I am so stupid, I totally missed the exit.” You could model, “Oh oops, I just missed the exit. People make mistakes. Guess, I am human after all. Let’s get off the next one and turn around.”

Gentleness takes practice. Some specific things you can do with your teens include:

Reflect on your most enjoyable moments, your dreams, and what you’re grateful for, and then ask the other person to share theirs (e.g. at dinner)
Read a spiritual prayer or self-nurturing book
Practice positive affirmations (e.g. at night you could repeat, “I am brave, strong, courageous.”)
Teaching them the value of setting boundaries by saying NO to things that do not align with your values
Use crystals
Giving praise to your teen for the effort they put forth on a big project
Reminding your teen that mistakes are okay and encouraging them not to beat themselves up
Allowing mental health days (as adults, we at least often get paid sick leave and get to use this at our discretion; as long as it is not to avoid school, there are appropriate times to allow teens to miss school)
Saying “it’s okay” after you make a mistake

R: Relaxation

Make time to actually relax. Teaching our kids how to actually calm their nervous system and body is an invaluable skill that will serve them more than you realize. Think about how your body feels when you are truly relaxing; your thoughts are less intense, your body is not tensed up, your heart rate has slowed, and you feel calm. What are activities that help you to decompress? (Doom scrolling on your phone doesn’t count. It is okay, we all do it sometimes.)

Some things you can do with your teens include:

Do a guided meditation together
Thrown on some relaxing music after everyone gets home from school
Enjoy a soak in the hot tub
Invite everyone to take a few deep breaths before dinner or bed
Stretching
Yoga
Watch the sunrise or sunset
Take a nature walk on the weekend
Star gaze
Go for a scenic drive
Practice expressing gratitude to your teen and vice versa
Hug your teen
Cuddle the family pet
No phones at dinner

a: Accomplishments

We go through life accomplishing a lot each and every day. Take some time to reflect on all the things you and your teens have accomplished! There is nothing too big or too small that deserves your recognition. Recognition for accomplishments feels good coming from ourselves and from those around us. When your teen feels seen unconditionally, connection is deepened.

Some things you can do/recognize with your teens include:

Say something like, “wow, I see all the effort you put into that.”
Made a meal
Did a chore
Attended school/work day
Advocate for yourself
Give someone else a compliment
Reflect on previous accomplishments
Public speaking
Praising their efforts instead of their grade for school (e.g. “I saw how much time and effort you put into studying for that bio test and I am so impressed with your dedication!”)
Ask your teen what they are most proud of themselves for

p: Pleasure

When it comes to the day-to-day, both you and your teen are just moving through to get it all done. Maybe rushing to school, or an after-school activity. Building in pleasurable activities is key, not only for your well-being, but for your nervous system as well. Play and pleasure help us regulate. So, think about what activities make you and your teen smile. Then repeat! Life is meant to have lots of pleasurable moments and it’s important we allow ourselves to engage in them.

Make dinner as a family like homemade pizza
Watch a comedy
Watch silly TikToks (yes, we need to limit social media time, but sometimes it can be a point of connection) together
Even better, do a TikTok trend together (come on, it will be fun) :-)
Ride bikes together
Enjoy the sunshine
Do a puzzle
Play a sport together
Pursue a hobby together
Look through old photo albums or videos
Play a board game/card game/video game together
Engage in your teens favorite activity WITH them

e: Exercise

Exercise is a natural antidepressant and can be more enjoyable when we have someone to do it with. The goal is simply to move your body. Don’t think of it as a something you are doing to achieve some kind of goal; instead, think of it as intentional movement with your teen.

Some things you can do with your teens include:

Running
Hiking
Walking
Dancing (around your kitchen or in a class)
Pilates
Kickboxing
Jazzercise
Ride a bike or skateboard
Swimming
Jumping jacks
Learn a TikTok dance together

s: Socialize

Socializing doesn’t always have to be a big event, the purpose of socializing is to maintain relationships, get support when needed, and maintain human connections. Socializing comes in many different forms and everyone requires a different amount of socializing. As humans, we crave that connection from others.

Some things you can do with your teens include:

Go on a coffee date
Exercise with someone else
Call/FaceTime as you do your chores around the house
Send an email or letter to someone you care about
Sit next to a family member as you read
Everyone shares a high and low moment from their day
Ask your teen about their favorite TV show, movie, or artist
Ask them to go to their favorite restaurant and leave their phones in the car when they get there
Ask ridiculous would you rather questions and see where the conversation goes

The goal of G.R.A.P.E.S. is to do what is right for you and your family! This is customizable to fit your family’s needs. If you have a crazy busy week maybe you plan to take three grounding breaths together one night or maybe you go for a coffee run on the way to school. If you have more time you can plan to watch your favorite movie together, get a massage, or go for a hike. You get to make G.R.A.P.E.S. work for you and your family.

If you are worried, concerned, or thinking your teen might benefit from individual space to work through their unique struggles, please don't hesitate to reach out.

References:

Fidaleo et al (2014). Cognitive Therapy Manual. Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital, Cognitive Intensive Outpatient Program, San Diego, CA.