Validation: An Effective Tool to Strengthen Your Relationships

What is Validation?

Validation is an essential aspect in creating healthy relationships. Validation communicates that another person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense and are understandable in a given situation (Rather & Miller, 2015). Validating others improves relationships and can deescalate conflict and intense emotions. When we validate another person, it says that we are listening, we understand, we are not judging them, we care about the relationship, and we can have disagreements or arguments and continue with the relationship.

As a teen therapist, I hear parents say that they don’t want to validate their child because they don’t want to enable their behaviors or because they don’t agree with what their child is upset about. Validation does not mean that you completely agree with what the other person is saying. Validation is about conveying that you understand the other person in a nonjudgmental manner. As the person validating others, it is okay to have the internal monologue, “if I were in this situation, I don’t think I would have the same reaction,” because the current situation is not about you. It is about providing connection and comfort to another person.

Validate the valid.

For example, your teen comes home from school and tells you they are upset because they had a bad day. They then storm off to their room and slam the door. You can still validate your teen’s emotions without condoning their behavior by saying something like, “Hey, I heard you say you were really upset and had a hard day at school. Is there anything I can do to help support you?”

Then, at a later time, when the teen has calmed down and is more receptive to having a conversation, you could say, “I know earlier you were upset when you slammed the door. In the future, can we try not to slam the door because it could break, or worse, you could get hurt.” By recognizing how the teen was feeling first and validating that experience separately from talking about the behaviors you want to be changed, you are building connections and setting boundaries.

So, how do we validate others?

1. Be an active listener. Actively listening includes paying attention to the person talking, making appropriate eye contact, and staying focused.

2. Be mindful of your nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication is as, if not more important, than the actual words we use. Things not to do when we are trying to validate others: crossed arms, roll our eyes, sighing, walking away mid-conversation, or make light of something that is clearly distressing to others.

3. Observe how the other person feels and reflect that feeling back to them. It is essential that we are nonjudgmental when we do this. We are trying to convey that we understand how the other person is feeling, and we are NOT judging them for it. Observations are simply describing what you see or hear, we are not adding value. (e.g., “I see you tearing up, I understand that this situation is bothering you.”)

4. Show tolerance to the other person. Try and understand how the person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions make sense given the situation they are currently in by taking into account the history of the situation. It is okay if you don’t approve of the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors because in this moment, it is not about you. This is what we mean when we say everyone is entitled to their own emotions.

Respond in a manner that shows you are taking the other person seriously. You can respond by saying, “that sounds awful,” offer a tissue or a hug, or you can ask the person how they would like you to support them. The goal is to communicate that you care and showing that you support them (Rather & Miller, 2015).

If you are looking for more support around this topic, we’d be happy to help. Schedule a free consult.

Let’s practice together

So how do we practice validation IRL?

It is not as complicated as we often think it is.

Validation can sound like, “I hear your frustration about the situation,” or “That must be extremely overwhelming.” Validation is about understanding and building deeper connections. It is not about judgments or agreeing with someone else. It lets others know they are heard, seen, and understood. The next time your teen (or partner or friend) is complaining to you about something, try listening for the emotion they are experiencing and remind them that it is okay to feel that emotion.

Hearing something like, “Wow, I would be angry in that situation too,” tells the other person that you listening and comprehending their perspective.

Some other examples of validating statements may include:

• “I appreciate you talking to me about what is going on.”

• “That sounds extremely _______ (emotion word)”

• “Thank you for ______”

• “I believe in you.”

• “Help me understand your thought process”

• “How can I help support you?”

• “Your emotions make sense.”

• “It makes sense that you think _________ (use their words)”

• “Thank you for sharing. In the future I will ________ (use other person’s words to describe actions)”

• “Now that you’ve shared your point of view, it make sense you felt ____ (emotion word) about the situation.”

Validation has nothing to do with being right or wrong and everything to do with building a connection. Validation tells others that they are important and this relationship matters.

Hope this helps!

References:

Rather, J. H., & Miller, A. (2015). DBT skills manual for adolescents. Guilford Press.

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