Welcome in.

I’m glad you’re here. Today, we’re talking about boundaries — a topic that’s received a lot of attention on social media & in pop psychology lately. For good reason, too. Setting boundaries, difficult as it may be, are important not only for our mental health but also for the health of our relationships. Approaching the topic of boundaries can feel overwhelming and just downright scary — especially when we think that setting boundaries involves abruptly saying, ‘No thanks!’ and quickly running in the other direction (a common misconception!)

So the intention for today’s post is to clarify what boundaries actually are and discuss a few reasons why they’re hard to set and why they’re important.

Let’s get into it :)

What are Boundaries?

When I talked to clients, coworkers, family, and friends about boundaries, I’m often surprised by how many different definitions there are of healthy boundaries. Everyone is unique and so, their version of boundaries is, too. For the sake of this post, we’re going to use Nedra Glover Tawwab’s definition.

“Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well.”

I love this definition because of Nedra’s emphasis on the necessity of safety in relationships. Tying this back to the nervous system for a moment, we need to feel safe to experience social connection. Without this feeling of safety in our relationships, we’re unable to be in the ventral vagal state that allows us to connect, and experience presence, joy, and kinship with others.

Also, Needra clarifies that boundaries involve expressing expectations and needs, not just saying ‘No!’ to everything that comes your way. In pop psychology, boundaries are often pitched as, ‘Learning how to say no.’ While saying no is one type of boundary, learning to set boundaries is a more intricate process of getting in touch with our needs, expressing our needs/expectations clearly, and upholding our boundaries.

We can’t always ‘say no’ to things in our lives. Imagine if you showed up to work tomorrow, feeling overwhelmed, and just started saying no to all requests from your co-workers and manager. Or if you woke up, feeling burnt out, and started setting boundaries with your kids by saying no to everything. In addition to the fact that this probably wouldn’t fly, it also wouldn’t nourish our relationships. The goal of setting boundaries is to protect our mental health and our relationships — we can do both.

Outside of our official definition, I like to think of boundaries as the balm for our relationships. A supportive, and nourishing salve that, over time, heals our ruptures and makes us stronger. Although setting boundaries won’t always feel smooth, they will always be nourishing in the long run.

Types of Boundaries

Porous Boundaries: Porous boundaries are poorly communicated and unintentionally harmful. These show up in the form of codependency, enmeshment, inability to say no, people-pleasing, and accepting mistreatment.
Rigid Boundaries: This is the other end of the spectrum. Rigid boundaries are self-protective, but they are harsh. While they may technically be effective, they often damage relationships. These can look like: Saying no harshly to discourage people from asking in the future or having hard and fast rules that you never break.
Healthy Boundaries: Healthy boundaries find the middle. They are a result of mindful awareness of your needs coupled with clear communication. Healthy boundaries can look like: Being comfortable saying no, clarifying your values, advocating for your needs, or standing by your decisions.

So why is it so hard to set boundaries?

For most of us, setting boundaries is just straight up challenging. If you’re human, difficult conversations are difficult. Setting a healthy boundary is a careful balance of clear communication, respectful assertiveness, and emotional regulation. It’s difficult, but it’s a practice.

While there are a myriad of reasons why setting boundaries feels so hard, here are three of the most common answers that come up:

It’s uncomfortable. This is undeniable. No matter how much you practice setting boundaries, you will face situations that are ultimately rather uncomfortable. And it’s very hard to tolerate the discomfort of setting boundaries. We often stay silent, believing the discomfort associated with setting the boundary just won’t be worth any gain. But the long-term impacts of not setting boundaries can be much more damaging to our relationships, and our own mental health, than the short-term discomfort of setting a boundary.
Family Context: How our families communicate and set boundaries (or don’t set boundaries) has a significant impact on how we approach (or avoid) boundary setting. It’s rare to meet someone who shares that their family communication is “perfect and extremely functional.” It’s so normal for families to struggle with communication, especially because communication styles are typically passed down from generation to generation. If no one taught your parents how to communicate clearly and with kindness during conflict, how would they learn? And in turn, how can they show you differently? So part of boundary setting is interrupting our generational cycles of communication. And it’s important to mention that we are not doing this from a place of blame, but rather from a space of wanting to improve our relationships with family, friend, colleagues, and ourselves.
Fear: When we think about setting boundaries, fear is usually in the front row, throwing popcorn at us and booing loudly. What if things change after I set my boundaries? What if this person is mad at me? What if I’m being mean or rude? Fear has a lot to say about what might happen when we set boundaries. First, I want to acknowledge that these fears might be valid. Your relationship might shift after you set boundaries. Someone could be mad at you and you could be perceived as mean or rude. Setting boundaries doesn’t come without risks, but if after reflecting, you know that this is the next right thing for your mental health, your relationship, or both. You might also ask yourself, what might be the cost of setting this boundary? What is the cost of not setting this boundary?

Why do need boundaries?

With all the reasons that we might not want to set boundaries, it sounds pretty enticing to push that off to next week, or maybe next year. It can be so tempting to avoid setting boundaries, even though a lack of boundaries erodes our relationships and sometimes, our mental health.

Not setting boundaries comes at the cost of burnout. So, setting boundaries might also be the first step in reclaiming our emotional, mental, and physical health. We cannot heal or recover when we are constantly giving to others with our time, attention, finances, emotional energy, etc.

Also, setting boundaries is good for our relationships. While this might seem counterintuitive when we avoid setting boundaries in relationships, it often leads to less-than-ideal coping mechanisms, This might look like gossiping to process frustrations, complaining to others to process frustration, avoiding the relationship, or abruptly cutting off a relationship.

If you feel pulled toward this topic and want to explore vagal toning techniques with one of our clinicians, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. If you’re interested in therapy but a little unsure, this is a good way to dip your toe in the pool.

References

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace. Piatkus Books.

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