How to Validate: A guide to support yourself or others
"Validation is not about seeking approval from others, it's about recognizing and affirming your own worth and capabilities."
- Dr. Kelly Vincent
What is validation?
In terms of emotional and mental health, validation is the process of recognizing and accepting someone's feelings, experiences, and perspectives as valid and understandable. It involves acknowledging and respecting a person's emotions, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. Validation can be a crucial component of building trust, fostering healthy relationships, and promoting emotional well-being. By acknowledging and validating someone's emotions, you can help them feel heard, understood, and supported, which can in turn help improve their mental and emotional health. When it comes to self-validation, we can do the exact same thing. We need to turn inward and recognize, accept, and understand our own feelings, experiences, and perspectives.
How do you validate yourself or someone else
1. Use active listening:
When someone expresses their feelings or experiences to you, listen attentively and try to understand their perspective without judgment. This shows that you value and respect their emotions, and can help them feel validated. There are many ways to engage in active listening. Here are a few ideas to get you started: 1) Instead of focusing on what you are going to say next, focus on what the person across from you is actually saying 2) Stay really present with the person 3) Use non-verbal body language like nodding your head, smiling or vocalizations (e.g. ahh).
2. Reflect back their feelings:
When validating someone, it can be helpful to reflect back their feelings to them. For example, saying something like "It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated right now" can help them feel heard and understood. This is something we do often in therapy. So many of us do not get our feelings heard or seen in a way that we truly need. When we can show up for someone or ourselves by acknowledging the emotions associated with an experience, we can help ourselves or others release that emotion instead of holding on to it. Other statements sound like “Feeling that angry sounds so hard,” “It sounds like you were super overwhelmed by it all, is that right?”
3. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their emotions:
Even if you don't necessarily agree with someone's emotions, it's important to avoid minimizing or dismissing them. Instead, try to acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if you don't fully understand them. This one is really key when it comes to allowing someone to be heard. Now, as humans, we of course don’t always agree. We also all feel our feelings and respond to experiences differently because we come from different backgrounds and have experienced different things as children/young adults. If you don’t fully agree with someone else’s emotions, you can simply utilize the reflection strategy of their feelings. For example, “That sounds hard” or “It sounds like you felt annoyed.” If you need a little more support with regulating big emotions, check out this blog.
4. Practice self-compassion: To self-validate, it's important to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Acknowledge your own emotions and experiences as valid and deserving of attention, and avoid self-criticism or self-judgment. Self-compassion is so key when it comes to tending to our mental health. One strategy that can be very effective if you are new to self-compassion practices is thinking of yourself as a younger version of yourself. For example, find a picture of your younger self (e.g. 5 year-old-self) and talk to her/him/them. Often times, we shift the tone and way we speak to ourselves when we visualize that this little child is inside of us still. Think of it as that little person who deserves self-compassion.
5. Challenge negative self-talk: If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk or self-doubt, try to challenge those thoughts and replace them with more positive, supportive self-talk. This can help you validate your own emotions and experiences, and promote better mental and emotional well-being. You can utilize the STOP strategy. Essentially, when you notice negative self-talk or critical thinking, say out loud STOP. This will at least help you get really present and then make a conscious decision if you want to continue down that spiral. Please know changing our neural pathways takes time and lots of practice, so keep at it!
If you’re interested in getting a little bit more hand-holding support and want to explore working with one of our clinicians, reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consultation. Reminder, you must live within the state of California due to state licensing laws and regulations.
About me;
Hi! I’m Dr. Kelly Vincent, Licensed Psychologist and owner of Nourished Wellness Group (CA PSY30672). My area of expertise and specialty focuses on working with women struggling with anxiety, high “functioning” anxiety, burnout, nervous system dysregulation, imposter syndrome, low self-esteem and trauma. I’m passionate about the mind-body connection, thus I integrate the body in my work through EMDR, yoga, somatic experiencing, and walking. If you are looking for more 1:1 work, please feel free to reach out to us. We’d love to talk with you more about your individual need and to explore if we’d be a fit, click here!
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