How to Make Friends As An Adult

Feb 7

Making friends as an adult can be difficult…

Gabrielle here, making friends can be difficult in any stage of life, especially in adulthood. It can feel like we’re pulled in many different directions; taking care of our responsibilities, work, and attending to family relationships and partnerships, and it can be hard to find the time and space to foster new connections.

We have more of a sense of ourselves as adults, which can be something that works against us as well as in our favor. When we know what we enjoy doing and what we don’t, we stray less. We try new things a little less — or at least we can. Part of making friends, or really any kind of connection involves putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. Opening ourselves up to meeting new people can mean that we’re stepping outside of our comfort zone (to varying degrees). This is part of why making friends can be so difficult in general.

In earlier phases of our life, we were thrown into environments that naturally fostered making new connections (school, sports, or other extra-curricular activities). You may be wondering, where would I even start? Don’t worry, I’ll get to that (:

The Mind + Body Perspective 〰

Know this too, what we experience in our bodies we experiences in our minds and vice versa. With vulnerability comes risk, we’re exposing ourselves to potential threats as far as your nervous system is concerned. The tricky thing is that our emotional threats and physical threats are perceived in the same way. So while being rejected or feeling like a fool are not life threating experiences, your nervous system responds like they are.

We are wired for connection as humans, and there are other mind-body systems at play here. Consider this quote from Dr. Stephen Porges (a wealth of knowledge on polyvagal theory):

“A child's (or an adult's) nervous system may detect danger or a threat to life when the child enters a new environment or meets a strange person. Cognitively, there is no reason for them to be frightened. But often, even if they understand this, their bodies betray them. Sometimes this betrayal is private; only they are aware that their hearts are beating fast and contracting with such force that they start to sway. For others, the responses are more overt. They may tremble. Their faces may flush, or perspiration may pour from their hands and forehead. Still others may become pale and dizzy and feel precipitously faint” (Porges, 2011).

We are wired for both social connection and for acting defensive in order to protect ourselves and our nervous system is part of this equation. This means, in order to create positive social connections — we need to feel safe enough.

So, what are the benefits of community?

When you think of your support system, what is that they do for you? For many of us, they’re the people we turn to for levity. To lighten the things that are heavy for us. We may share our stressors with them, ask for advice (or receive unsolicited advice), and spend quality time with them.

In the realm of mental health, we often think about our support systems as something called a ‘protective factor’. This means that the people that make up our support network help us manage when things get stressful, and the stronger our support network is the better off we are for life’s unavoidable stressors.

“Over time, as moments of positive emotions and positive social connections increased and accrued, vagal tone also improved, building a biological resource that has been linked to numerous health benefits. This upward-spiral dynamic has the potential to set individuals on self-sustaining pathways toward growth that can explain the strong empirical associations between positive social and emotional experiences and physical health. Indeed, these findings suggest that habitually experienced positive emotions may be an essential psychological nutrient for autonomic health” (Kok et. al, 2013).

The impacts of these positive social connections can essentially make our nervous systems happier (through increasing vagal tone and co-regulation).

A study done in 2014 explored the role that loneliness can play on our physical and mental health and found that there is a relationship between loneliness and our immune system’s functioning (Mushtaq et al., 2014).

There are so many reasons why friendships and close relationships can be impactful for us.

Okay, so where do I start?

So let’s get into how to actually make friends as an adult. Let’s start with a little reflection — take a moment to think about these next few questions: When was the last time I made a new friend? What have I done in the past that has brought new people into my life in some way? What kinds of connections am I hoping to experience more of?

The kinds of connections you are hoping to foster can help you narrow down where to start looking. No matter how you go about making friends, it’s going to entail vulnerability. In order for your nervous system to feel safe while making connections, here are a few of my tips:

Perhaps explore activities or places that you already enjoy. Play is a blended nervous system state (think safe + mobilized) which can allow us to be a bit more open.
Consider any current relationships you have, would you like to focus on deepening any of these relationships?
Notice who your mind + body feel safe around (who makes my nervous system happy?)
Give resources like friendship apps (like Bumble BFF or Peanut for new moms) and MeetUp groups (it is what it sounds like, everyone meets up over a shared interest or to do an activity) a try! These can feel weird at first, but much like dating, we can find out pretty quickly if there is a connection or not.
The best thing you can be is yourself, you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but the only way to really know that is to be genuine (this goes both ways).

In summary, making friends is weird and it’s something we are primed to do. There can be a lot of good that having close connections can do for us and there is never a bad time to start making friends.

My most important tip is to notice who your nervous system feels good around 〰 good luck out there!

About me;

Hi there! I’m Gabrielle, I’m a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Brainspotting Practitioner. I have a passion for working with childhood and complex trauma, helping people learn to be their most authentic selves, and for working with emergency and first responders. If you’re intrested in working with me, you can set up a free consultation (:

References:

Kok, B. E., Coffey, K. A., Cohn, M. A., Catalino, L. I., Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Algoe, S. B., ... & Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). How positive emotions build physical health: Perceived positive social connections account for the upward spiral between positive emotions and vagal tone. Psychological science, 24(7), 1123-1132.

Mushtaq, R., Shoib, S., Shah, T., & Mushtaq, S. (2014). Relationship Between Loneliness, Psychiatric Disorders and Physical Health ? A Review on the Psychological Aspects of Loneliness. Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research : JCDR, 8(9), WE01. https://doi.org/10.7860/JCDR/2014/10077.4828

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.