Hey you. Thanks for being here. If we haven’t met, I’m Amy. I’m a therapist-in-training and a human learning to live gently. Other call-outs on my resume include: Matcha latte enthusiast, subscriber to rest culture, and avid fan of embodied living. You can usually find me hunched over a journal, nibbling at dark chocolate at the top of each hour, stretching on the floor, or wandering around outdoors.

A little breakdown of my beliefs: I believe that we are all innately whole and enough. Without doing anything! Just as we are. I approach healing from a holistic, personalized lens. We might uncover patterns, move through traumatic experiences (physically & emotionally), practice sitting with uncomfortable but deeply-human emotions, or explore transformations that will ground you in meaning, connection, resilience, peace, or whatever else you are seeking. I believe that when we slow down, there is much more to see, hear, feel, and notice. Healing starts with softening. We’ll go from there.

Welcome back to our two-part series on the intricate (and intimate) relationship between technology and mental health. I know it can be a sensitive topic for many of us, but stick with me here - I promise not to tell you to throw your phone in the ocean or delete Instagram.

If you haven’t read Part One, no pressure. There are no rules here. If you’re curious about the apps & platforms that help us thrive, you can take a quick pause to check them out. Come back to us when you’re ready!

In Part Two, we’re talking about social media, comparison, and how to mitigate some of the less-than-ideal effects of too much time scrolling. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, so there will also be a little self-reflection involved.

At this point, you’ve probably heard that the relationship between social media & our mental health isn’t usually positive. To be fair, Instagram can definitely stir the pot when it comes to mental well-being.

But today, we’re focusing on the question: Does it have to? Is there a way to scroll while holding tight to our sense of self-worth, noticing the rumblings of comparison, and bringing intention to our interactions?

Let’s set the scene

We live in an age of social media.

It’s how many of us stay connected to friends & family, network, find inspiration, showcase our business, and express our creativity. As we talked about in Part One - our intimate relationship with screens can have an upside. We don’t have to fall victim to the loneliness that accompanies screen time.

And if we look at some of the research, we find that spending more time in our 2D world can result in a cloud of social comparison.

Social media is a place where we go to wonder: Am I enough? How do I stack up? And it’s not a conscious choice. We don’t tap that inviting red-orange app planning to embark down a rabbit hole of self-doubt. But it happens. How human of us.

So why do we compare? How do we stop comparing?

Let’s start with the biological piece.

Throughout most of human history, our ability to compare kept us alive. In a world with limited resources and uncertainty, our hyper-vigilance toward our neighbors might be the reason that we’re here today. If comparison has ever felt unconscious or instinctual to you, you’re in good company. It’s because it is.

I probably don’t need to tell you that comparison is no longer necessary for survival. We don’t need to be eye-ing our coworkers, ready to compete for food, water, and shelter. But evolution is slow and gradual. So our Stone Age minds start feeling a little heavy when scrolling through our feeds.

So how do we negotiate with human nature?

This is where we lean on the science of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the study of our brain’s ability to change and adapt based on our experiences. It’s a gentle scientific reminder that, through practice and habit, we are capable of change. I like to see this as ‘doing the work.’

Negotiating with human nature is going to require a dose of mindfulness. While mindfulness isn’t a cure-all for comparison (hint: there’s no such thing!), it creates space for us to notice the often unconscious element of comparison and extend compassion towards ourselves.

Three reminders for when you notice comparison bubbling up:

How human of me! My mind & body are trying to protect me. I appreciate them for doing that, but it’s not necessary anymore. There is enough X (opportunity, creativity, etc) for everyone.
I’m noticing that my body is reacting right now. I’m going to take a short break, do a breathing exercise to calm my nervous system, and come back to my phone when I feel ready.
Try on this affirmation while taking three deep breaths: I’m enough, just as I am, without needing to change anything.

Exploring personal boundaries

After we create space to acknowledge our biological drive to compare, notice our behavior, and extend compassion towards ourselves, we can begin to explore personal boundaries.

What does your ideal relationship with social media look like? What does it feel like? Does it change depending on what’s going on in your life? You are the only one who can decide that for you.

I’m holding good on my promise not to give you overly simplified, one-size-fits-all solutions. Our tolerance for the 2D world is more complex than that. And more than being complex, it’s personal.

So let’s ask our intuition to the table. I invite you to read these and choose one or two that stick out. Screenshot them to ponder on a walk, your commute, or while making dinner. These questions are not meant to be answered quickly but deeply considered and thoughtfully sifted through.

The next time you’re on social media, check in on yourself. What sensations do you notice coming up? How’s your breathing? Are you tense or relaxed? What does it feel like to be in your body right now?
When does social media feel exciting and inspiring? Recall a time when social media created a supportive sense of community or connection for you - what was that like? What online elements lead to that? What mood were you in at the time?
If applicable, recall a time when you questioned your goodness, ‘enoughness,’ or self-worth as a result of social media. What was going on for you in your 2D world? What about your 3D world (i.e your mood, environment, stress/sleep levels)? How did this experience impact you? How often does it happen?
What might I be missing out on because of social media? What might I miss out on if I choose not to participate in social media?
What does balance look like to you? What does it feel like?

Finding the balance

Like most things, exploring our relationship with social media isn’t linear or straightforward. It’s messy, complex, and deeply human. As we walk through the technicolor world (Stone Age minds in tow) we’ll face new challenges.

And this careful internal balancing act will be in constant flux. The balance is fluid, changing with the seasons. So this is an ongoing conversation, a consistent mindfulness exercise to acknowledge where we are and what we need. And then giving it to ourselves, whatever it may be.

A little self-disclosure: I’m not writing this post from a space of pristine balance. I struggle to locate the balance between my 2D and 3D worlds. My Sunday screen-time report notification often makes me cringe. And I often feel a sense of unreality and shame as I look away from my phone for the first time in an hour. Just like you, I’m a human in progress.

In these moments, I come back to a phrase coined by my favorite yoga teacher, Erin Gilmore. How human of you. How human of me (and all of us) to pine for connection and worthiness. And when social media boasts belonging and community, of course, we jump at the chance. How human of us to want to be accepted and celebrated. Thanks to Brené Brown, we know that shame doesn’t work. Berating ourselves for mindless scrolling doesn’t keep us from doing so or make us feel good. It’s a lose-lose.

So, if, like so many of us, your relationship with social media is cloaked in shame, remind yourself that shame doesn’t work. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. Compassion is the catalyst for change.

We covered a lot here. It’s a complicated topic, but in an effort to get you to a screen break, we’re going to wrap up. If you feel pulled toward this topic and want to work with one of our clinicians on self-worth, screen time, and comparison, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. If you’re interested in therapy but a little unsure, this is a good way to dip your toe in the pool.

〰️ Stay gentle out there 〰️

References:

Jiang, S., & Ngien, A. (2020). The Effects of Instagram Use, Social Comparison, and Self-Esteem on Social Anxiety: A Survey Study in Singapore. Social Media + Society. https://doi.org/10.1177/2056305120912488

Karim, F., Oyewande, A. A., Abdalla, L. F., Chaudhry Ehsanullah, R., & Khan, S. (2020). Social Media Use and Its Connection to Mental Health: A Systematic Review. Cureus, 12(6), e8627. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.8627

Smith, L., Jacob, L., Trott, M., Yakkundi, A., Butler, L., Barnett, Y., Armstrong, N. C., McDermott, D., Schuch, F., Meyer, J., López-Bueno, R., Sánchez, G. F. L., Bradley, D., & Tully, M. A. (2020). The association between screen time and mental health during COVID-19: A cross sectional study. Psychiatry research, 292, 113333. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2020.113333