How Trauma Can Impact Your Relationships

Aug 29

Hello, Gabrielle here. We’re going to take a look at some of the signs of trauma, some of the ways they can impact our relationships, and steps towards healing.

We know that experiencing traumatic moments or ongoing stressors impacts not only our minds, but our bodies as well (read more here). If we’re still carrying around trauma that hasn’t been resolved, it can show up in a number of areas in our lives, including our relationships.

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Signs of trauma

Whether you experienced a single incident (a one-time traumatic event) or a cumulation of repeated stressful experiences (like not having your needs met in childhood, or having a parent who was verbally or physically abusive), you may experience some of the following:

Anxiety or worry that feels hard to shake
Avoiding reminders of the trauma
Hyper-awareness of the emotions or moods of others
Sleep issues or nightmares
Feelings of worthlessness and struggling with self-worth
Hypervigilance or feeling constantly on guard
Feeling disconnected from your body, from the world around you, or feeling numb
Difficulty sitting still
Irritability or struggling with anger
Intrusive memories of the trauma
Chronic busyness or over-working
Difficulty regulating emotions
Excessive shame or guilt
Not feeling interested in things that you usually enjoy
Feeling ‘shut down’, low energy or low mood

When we experience a traumatic event, our body's stress response system becomes activated, flooding our system with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response is essential for survival in the short term, prolonged or repeated trauma can overwhelm the nervous system. This can look like hyperarousal, hypervigilance, and an increased sensitivity to potential threats. Additionally, trauma can disrupt the balance of neurotransmitters, affecting mood regulation and causing anxiety or depression. It makes all the sense in the world that this would impact how we view ourselves as well as others.

trauma + relationships

Trauma can come in many forms, from the tangible scars of physical injuries to the hidden wounds of emotional abuse, trauma knows no boundaries. Some common types of trauma include acute trauma, which occurs from a single shocking event like a car accident or natural disaster; complex trauma, often stemming from repeated and prolonged exposure to stressful situations such as childhood neglect or domestic violence; and vicarious trauma, experienced by individuals who work closely with trauma survivors, such as healthcare professionals or emergency responders. Trauma can make it more difficult to connect and engage with others and can lead to difficulties in trust, communication, and intimacy.

The context in which trauma occurs can also have an impact on relationships. As children, we rely on our caregivers to keep us safe and to help us start understanding and engaging in the world around us. It’s understandable that childhood or developmental trauma would shape our relationships moving forward, as it’s the period of time when we develop our first attachments with people. These kinds of experiences can lead to triggers that happen relationally. For some, the idea of a safe or healthy relationship is far from familiar.

“Trauma that occurs in adulthood can also change attachment styles, because trauma impacts the way we see the world as a whole. Often, intimate partners, spouses and family members witness the most intense effects of an individual’s trauma. It can be frightening, confusing and difficult to witness the effects of trauma in a loved one” (Millán, K., n.d.).

Regardless, experiencing trauma makes it more difficult to feel safe because we’ve come to know danger — whether physical or emotional. In order to connect deeply, we need to feel safe enough and this is not as simple as a conscious choice. There are older forms of survival at play here, and trauma survivors can become stuck in survival mode, making it difficult to have the capacity to flourish in relationships.

Some common ways trauma can impact your relationships are:

Emotional reactivity
Fears of abandonment or rejection
Consistently needing reassurance
Difficulty trusting others
Craving relationships and feeling uncomfortable with closeness or vulnerability
Over-reliance on others
Feeling triggered during arguments or disagreements
Difficulty feeling connected to other people
Struggling to maintain relationships
Masking or people pleasing to feel ‘safe’ in relationships
Viewing the emotions of others as your responsibility
Hyper-independence

How to start healing

Feelings of safety are key. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma, I would encourage you to take care of your own wellbeing. It’s a wonderful intention to support your loved one through these challenges, and you need to take care of yourself so that you’ll have the capacity for it.

Nervous system regulation techniques can go a long way in helping you cope and manage. Whether that’s breathwork, meditation, movement, or cold exposure to name a few. Try out this meditation to reduce anxiety as a resource.

Working with a therapist to resolve the trauma can be a wonderful way to get to the source of the struggles. As we know, trauma is held in our physical bodies as well as in our minds. Making sure to find a therapist that utilizes a modality specific to trauma that incorporates can be important. I use something called brainspotting with my clients to allow them to do a deeper kind of trauma work that incorporates your neurophysiology to go to the root of the trauma.

I want anyone reading this to know that healing from traumatic experiences is possible, sometimes you just need a combination of the right kind of tools and support.

If you or someone you care about is interested in finding a trauma therapist, you can schedule a 15-minute consultation call here.

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References:

Millán MA, LPC/MHSP, K. (n.d.). Trauma and Its Effects on Relationships. Retrieved August 29, 2023, from https://hartgrovehospital.com/trauma-effect-relationships/

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