Have you ever felt deeply understood when communicating with someone? It’s that hard-to-articulate sense of relief that goes something like, ‘Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I was trying to say. You get it. You get me.’

And if you’re alive, breathing, and interacting with other humans, most of your conflicts don’t feel like this. Sometimes the dialogue, internal or external, goes something like this, ‘That’s not it at all. Are you even listening? You don’t get it. You don’t get me.’

And it goes both ways. You’ve misunderstood others and experienced being misunderstood. This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC for short) comes in. Strange name aside, it can be a supportive tool in helping us communicate our needs.

So let’s get into it so you can say ‘You get me. You get it.’ a little more often.

What is NVc?

When I first heard of Nonviolent Communication, my immediate thought was “Shouldn’t all communication be nonviolent? Isn’t the baseline of communicating not to assault the other person?”

And while this is definitely true, NVC has a different definition of violence. When Marshall Rosenberg developed NVC, he was targeting verbal violence — the kind that stings and leaves you feeling misunderstood, ashamed, angry, and spiteful.

While NVC has a specific outline, which we’ll cover below, it’s based on the principle that to facilitate conflict, we need to get in touch with our own needs. Connection to self is the prerequisite to connecting & empathizing with the needs of others.

At its core, NVC encourages us to get in touch with our common humanity. And while the tools can feel a bit clunky, the essence of Nonviolent Communication is grounded in compassion, deep listening & connection. We’ll keep checking in on this.

The basics of nvc

Nonviolent Communicate has four basic concepts: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Seems simple right? And it can be with practice. When we’re in conflict with our partner, friend, colleague, or family member, our fight-or-flight state is revved up & ready to go. Physiologically, we feel activated. And when we’re in a state of stress (i.e a heated argument over the dishes) we divert blood away from the prefrontal cortex, the area of our brain that manages rational thought & planning, and towards the amygdala, the control center for fear. The amygdala then sends an ‘SOS’ group text to the rest of the nervous system to prep for danger.

This is all to say: In the heat of the moment, it can feel so hard to manage our emotions, empathize with others, shift our perspective, and think rationally. That’s because it is. It is physiologically true. And this is where practice comes in. If we practice when we’re not activated, it makes it that much more in reach when we feel like we want to throw our dish across the room. So let’s dive in.

1.Observation

So often when we think that we’re stating a fact, we’re actually stating our opinion. This isn’t an entirely ‘fun’ realization, but stick with me for a second here.

If I say to my partner ‘You’re ten minutes late’ as soon as they sit down to the dinner table, they might respond: ‘I’m not late!’ or ‘You always say this.’ or ‘Why are you so critical?’

It’s probably not going to end well. And if we look through the NVC lens, “You are late” is not a fact. It’s a judgement or my belief about time. And when we state our beliefs as facts, we can fall into the ever-so-inviting trap of arguing about what’s true rather than what needs aren’t being met. Cue the scene: Two frustrated individuals not feeling seen, heard, or understood in conflict.

NVC would have me replace, “You are late” with, “You arrived ten minutes after what I thought was the agreed upon time.” And if you’re experiencing a little skepticism here, you aren’t alone. But think about what your response would be to these two statements. Assuming that the tone is somewhat neutral, which is more likely to put you on the defense? Which is more likely to soften a little even as your fight-or-flight system switches on?

So that’s observation. When we start to pay attention, we’ll notice just how much we state our beliefs as facts. And if we slowly bring NVC into our conflicts, we may witness how disarming it is to replace our judgements with simple facts.

2.Feelings

I’ll be honest, this one is the trickiest for me. In westernized cultures, we have a tendency to say. “I feel like fill in the blank here.” I feel like you’re ignoring me. I feel like you’re angry. I feel like that was disrespectful. I say ‘I feel like..’ more times a day than I care to admit.

And here’s the thing — anything that starts with ‘I feel like…’ isn’t a feeling, it’s a thought or a belief.

NVC challenges to stay with our emotions, not our beliefs about a situation. Again, leading with our beliefs can result in an arguement of what’s true (i.e ‘I am not ignoring you. I am not angry. That was not disresepctful!’)

The feeling might be: Sad, shameful, isolated, impatient, confused, exhausted, annoyed, ect. There’s only one catch — the feelings shouldn’t include those that involve another person. Instead of saying “I feel unwanted," which implies that I’m unwanted by you, I can say ‘I feel lonely and afraid.’

Again, I catch myself doing this all the time. When I have a hard time articulating my emotions, usually because I feel engulfed by them, I lean on the feelings wheel.

3.Needs

This is my favorite principle of NVC. Getting in touch with what we need allows us to move forward into a space of repair & connection.

And we may have to reconnect with our intuition before we can move through this step. Culturally & environmentally, we may have been conditioned to suppress our needs. Maybe our needs were inconvenient or simply not possible to meet given our circumstances. So when someone asks us “What do you need?” it can be hard to know. But your needs are important.

Judith Lasater, American yoga teacher and co-author of What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication, reminds us, “You are not being “needy.” You are just being human.” Let’s gently retire “needy” from our vocabulary. We have needs — how human of us.

Needs vs. Strategies

Before we move on, I want to briefly point out the difference between Needs and Strategies. According to NVC, when we are in conflict, we’re almost always arguing about the strategy, rather than the underlying need.

Examples of Needs: peace/harmony, to matter/to be nurtured, to be known, to belong, creativity, integrity, celebration/play
Examples of Strategies: Getting into a prestigious college/receiving a promotion, going to yoga today, spending time with your partner

And strategies are not bad, rather it’s important to differentiate between what we need & how we’re meeting our needs.

4.Requests

The last piece of the Nonviolent Communication model is the request — essentially, asking for what we need. For many of us, this can feel overwhelming. ‘I not only have to know what I need, but now I have to ask for it?’ But don’t worry, there are some guidelines.

action vs. process requests

Action requests must be grounded in the present moment (even for future oriented tasks) and actionable. Here’s a few examples to add a little color:

Instead of: ‘Will you clean the kitchen later?’ —> ‘Are you willing to clean the kitchen in the next two hours?’ or ‘Are you willing to tell me now when you might be willing to clean?’ This second option is a good follow-up if the answer to the first question is ‘Nope. I’m not.’

Which brings us to the next piece of requests — they must actually be requests, not demands. This isn’t in the phrasing or the syntax, but in our intention. Requests are made with the understanding that the other person has autonomy and they can say ‘no.’ If you make a request that’s met with a ‘no’ and you find yourself pushing back harder, you more than likely just made a demand. And let’s be honest, no one likes being told what to do.

The process request is a little different, but equally as helpful in tense moments. We so often think we’re being very clear, but as we talked about earlier, we’re physiologically not able to think rationally when our body responds to stress. Process requests help us fill in the gaps & practice deep listening. They are our ticket to feeling understood.

My favorite is, ‘Would you be willing to telling me what you just heard me say?’ And when, inevitably, there’s an occasional miscommunication, ‘I would like you to hear something different,’ so let me say it this way…’

Putting it all together

We covered a lot today. I hope you can meet yourself with a little self-compassion if this feels overwhelming or confusing. Maybe you just need to close your laptop & come back to it another time. How human of you.

If you’re ready to tie it all together & continue on with your day, let’s keep going. Here are a few examples that outline all four elements of NVC & how we can use it to transform our relationships:

When you come home after 8pm on the weekdays (observation not judgement), I feel sad and lonely (emotions not thoughts) because my need for connection and love aren’t being met (needs not strategies). Would you be willing to sit on the couch with me right now and listen while I tell you about my day (Doable, present, action request)?
When the dishes are in the sink and the floor is dirty (observation not judgement), I feel agitated (emotion not thought) because my need for cleanliness and order are not being met (needs not strategies). Would you be willing to clean the kitchen with me right now? Or would you be willing to tell me right now when you might be willing to clean the kitchen (Doable, present, action request)?

Coming back to the beginning, NVC can feel clunky. I’ll be the first to admit it. But beyond the language, NVC invites us back to ourselves. Through the lens of Nonviolent Communication, we can ask ourselves what we truly need. When we’re in a passive aggressive email chain with our manager, arguing with our partner about why they didn’t fill the car up with gas, or dodging calls from a family member we can ask, what am I needing in this moment? And as we get in touch with the intuition of our needs, we start to open to the needs of others. When we start to put the pieces together, we lay the groundwork for collaboration, repair, and that feeling of, ‘Yes! You get it. You get me.’

If you feel pulled toward this topic and want to work with one of our clinicians on communication in work, relationships, and family, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. If you’re interested in therapy but a little unsure, this is a good way to dip your toe in the pool.

〰️ As always, stay gentle out there 〰️