Exploring the parts of you

Have you ever felt conflicted? If you’re human, I’m guessing the answer is ‘Of course!’ Maybe you felt your thoughts and emotions pulling you in a hundred different directions. Part of you wanted to dive in headfirst. Another part was terrified and urged you to pull back. Maybe another part was totally indifferent. You might have experienced an internal debate or a symphony of voices chiming in about the “best path forward.”

Today we’re talking about Internal Family Systems (IFS for short) — an emerging therapy modality that brings all the parts of us together. IFS was created by Richard Schwartz in 2011 and since then, it’s had a growing body of research that supports its’ effectiveness, especially when working with individuals with trauma/complex trauma.

A quick note: Some of concepts in IFS might seem a little far-fetched at first. IFS asks us to question the dominant narrative of the nature of the mind. If you’re able to, I invite you to stay open as we learn more about a new perspective on wholeness and healing.

no bad parts

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no bad parts 〰️

What is Internal Family Systems?

This core philosophy of Internal Family Systems is that we are multifaceted, made up ‘sub-minds’ that are constantly interacting within us.

These sub-minds are different parts of us and they interact in the same way that a family system would. Western culture embraces the idea of singular-mindedness, or just having one mind/personality, so this paradigm might feel strange or uncomfortable. Typically, having multiple personalities is pathologized (e.g Multiple Personality Disorder) but IFS conceives that the mind is naturally multiple and the separation of our parts is driven by our experiences. Essentially, differentiation of our parts is normal. Multiplicity is human. The healing comes when we mindfully, intentionally bring them back together.

It’s important to note that none of our parts are bad, they are simply trying to protect us. While the behavior that the part is motivating might be hurtful or frustrating, the part itself has good intentions. At their essence, a part cannot be bad — it is always doing it’s best with the resources that it has. Therefore, Internal Family Systems is a non-pathologizing approach. Instead of asking, ‘Why can’t you stop abusing substances?’ IFS gently inquires, “What part of you is driving these behaviors? What does that part need? What is that part protecting?’

All of our parts are tied to our Self (capital S!) — the core essence of our being that is compassionate, curious, courageous, creative, clear, and connected. We’re all inherently born with Self. It can’t be taken from us by anyone or anything. However, the Self can become blended with our parts. In other words, our Self gets mixed in with our sad, anxious, angry, fearful, etc part. When we’re blended, our part takes control of the wheel, our Self is in the backseat. This might look like feeling completely overwhelmed by our emotions or acting in a way that isn’t aligned with our values. Blending is a natural, fluid process that happens to all of us. Part of the work in IFS is bringing awareness to when we are blended. More on un-blending, soon!

Parts language helps us reframe the experience of our emotions. I am anxious becomes I have an anxious part(s). Or ‘I’m so overwhelmed by shame’ to ‘There is a part of me that is carrying a lot of shame. What does it need from me?’

In IFS, the work is getting in touch with these parts, creating space for them, listening to them, and unburdening them so that we can be more connected to Self as we go about our lives.

It’s important to acknowledge that healing isn’t linear. It takes time, energy, work, compassion, and patience. Exploring parts of ourselves and learning new ways of being (e.g listening and caring for our parts) is a work-in-progress. We so often want our healing work to be “done” but so long as we want to experience shifts in insight, relationships, and how we experience the world, the work is lifelong.

Mapping our Inner System

In IFS, our parts fall into three categories: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. Organizing our parts by their strategy helps us to identify them, acknowledge them, and negotiate with them. Remember, we’re adhering to the belief that there are no bad parts. This can sometimes feel like a stretch — what about the parts that are driving substance use, outbursts of anger, or dangerous behaviors? I hear you, but with IFS, we view these behaviors as protective, however destructive they might be. Part of parts work (no pun intended:)) is honoring our parts and releasing them from the roles they’ve needed to take to protect us.

Exiles
The exiles are our “Inner Children” - they are the most tender parts of us. Our exiles take in extreme beliefs and emotions (burdens) from what happened to us. This is where core beliefs live a.k.a ‘I am worthless’ or ‘I don’t deserve love.’ Our exiles or wounded parts get “stuck” at the age they became burdened. For example, if we experienced misattunement from our primary caregivers as children, our exile part would internalize ‘I am not lovable’ or ‘If I have needs, I am not lovable.’ Our exiled parts are painful to feel. So painful that we try to lock them away, believing that if we ignore them, they will go away. However, it’s quite the opposite. Even as we keep our exiled parts protected, they continue to exert an often unconscious influence on our lives (I.e partner choice, self-esteem, career decisions, and so on.)
Manager
Most of us are very familiar with managers. The role of our managers is to avoid triggering our exiles by managing our environment. These are often our inner critics, people pleasing parts, hypervigilant parts, and intellectualized parts. Our manager parts are often exhausted and stressed out (relatable??). Keeping our exiles protected and contained is a full-time job with no benefits. Our managers are burnt out.
Let’s stay with the example from above. If our exiled part believes ‘If I have needs, I am not lovable,’ our managers spend 100% of their time protecting us from testing this reality. So our managers will people please the day away, deny all of our needs (for fear of being unlovable), and be harsh/critical of us whenever we feel tempted to voice our needs. While these behaviors aren’t supportive for our well-being, manager parts aren’t inherently bad; they are doing their job to protect us from getting close to that hurt, exiled part of us.
Firefighters
An exile has been triggered - sound the alarm! Our firefighter parts are our defenders. When exiles get triggered, our firefighters come to the rescue, often resorting to any and all measures to get us away from this feeling (with little regard for collateral damage). Examples of firefight strategies can look like dissociation, outrage/extreme anger, substance abuse, self-harm, binge-eating, etc. As you can imagine, our Firefighter parts can create more pain in our lives. Again, firefighter parts are not bad. Rather, these parts are burdened by the roles that they’ve had to take. From their perspective, they have no other choice when our exiles become triggered.

The Goals of Internal Family Systems

Internal Family Systems is a complex approach so while we can’t cover all the concepts here, I want to give you a little intro of what the goals of IFS typically look like:

Liberate parts from the roles they’ve been forced into, so they can be who they are designed to be.
Restore trust in Self and Self-leadership.
Reharmonize the Inner System.
Become more Self-led in our interactions with the world.

Coming back to the idea of being blended, part of the initial stage of IFS is recognizing when we are blended and moving towards an un-blended state. Again, being blended with our parts is a natural part of life — it can even serve us at times. Let’s say you need to advocate for yourself. You might become blended with your assertive part so that you can adapt to the situation at hand.

Generally though, we want to be led by the Self (the core essence of our being that is compassionate, curious, courageous, creative, clear, and connected). Sounds pretty good to me. So what does it mean for us to un-blend? Un-blending is the process of making space for our parts, really hearing them, and asking them to step aside so that we can be more Self-led. This is an ongoing process, especially if the parts don’t necessarily trust the Self to protect them. Often, if we’ve experienced trauma or attachment wounds, our Self couldn’t protect all of our parts, so those parts moved into protective roles and stopped trusting the Self in the process.

Un-blending doesn’t push our parts out. Rather, it invites them in to share what they’ve been holding, to hear about their burdens, and to ask (without force) if they might be okay stepping aside for a few moments.

To make this a bit less abstract, let’s bring in an example. It’s important to acknowledge that Internal Family Systems work will look different with every client and every clinician. This is just one example of how we might work with our parts in the room:

Staying with our example, let’s use the Inner Critic. An IFS approach might first explore that part’s role. If you identify your inner critic part as a manager, what is it trying to protect you from? As you notice that part, is there a certain part of your body where you feel it most?

You may need to ask your other parts to soften, just for a moment, so that you can get in touch with the Inner Critic part. From here, we explore with curiosity and gentleness.

What does it want you to know about itself? What would it be afraid of if it stepped out of its role? You might ask the part, ‘If you could change or heal what you’re protecting so that you were freed from this responsibility of protecting, what would you like to do?”

As we connect with this part, we might warmly acknowledge our Inner Critic’s innate goodness. We might thank this part of trying to keep us so safe. It can often be easier to target our self-compassion towards a part, as opposed to our whole selves. As you get ready to move away from this exercise, we’ll thank our part for their openness and assure them that we’ll be back again.

With a licensed mental health professional, you might eventually work to connect with the exiled part, the part that the Inner Critic is protecting. Only by first befriending and gaining the trust of our managers, can we move towards healing our inner wounds.

In IFS, our goal isn’t just to change behavior, but it is an welcomed benefit. We don’t want to just silence the inner critic, but to make space for it and release it from it’s role as a manager. By unburdening this part, we can become more Self-led as we interact with our world.

I’m curious about what was going on for you as you read this. Were you totally lost? Or nodding your head emphatically at the screen? Perhaps there’s room for both - two different parts, if you will :) I hope that this has been a helpful introduction to IFS.

If you feel pulled toward this topic and want to explore Internal Family Systems techniques with one of our clinicians, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. If you’re interested in therapy but a little unsure, this is a good way to dip your toe in the pool.

〰️ I hope you can honor all parts of you today 〰️