“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.” — Lauren Oliver

Navigating relationships and intimacy after sexual trauma is undoubtedly challenging, but with patience, self-compassion, and open communication, healing is possible.

People who have experienced sexual trauma in their past can feel an intense impact on their ability to connect intimately with a chosen partner – even if your current partner is a “safe” sexual partner. Taking the steps to heal from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey and one that takes dedication and time. It is possible to navigate through repairing your relationship to your sexuality holistically through incorporating the body, mind, and spirit to reconnect to that part of yourself that has experienced trauma. Once reconnecting with your sexuality, you can then find a safe and fulfilling sexual life with your partner to deepen your intimacy and comfortability.

What is considered Sexual trauma?

Sexual trauma is the psychological and physical challenges as a result of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is common and a broad term that occurs on a spectrum of severity. Sexual abuse includes physical assault but is not confined to a physical sexual assault only. Someone who experienced repeated/severe bullying both online or at school about their sexual identity could impact their ability to feel comfortable and confident in expressing their sexuality. Someone who experienced severe sexualization, objectification, or sexual harassment may also have difficulty in feeling safe to express their sexuality in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling.

As humans we cannot be separate from our sexuality. Sexuality can be a part of our identity, it can be fluid, dynamic, and changing, but it is always a part of who we are. When someone has experienced sexual trauma, it can be difficult to reconcile with their sexuality. There may be challenges in accepting themselves as sexual beings, challenges accepting appropriate or desired sexual attention, or difficulties in accepting the pain or fear that is now associated when they experience their sexuality.

How does sexual trauma impact me and my relationship?

Sexual trauma can have long-lasting effects ranging from emotional and psychological distress to physical responses that often feel outside of your control. The impacts are unique to the individual who survived the sexual trauma. Given these variances, how it manifests in intimate partner relationships can also be unique, but it typically negatively impacts frequency, duration, and pleasure in sexual experiences. Usually leading toward sexual intimacy being a source of anxiety or stress rather than connection and pleasure. Identifying the lasting impacts can be the first step toward getting the support needed to help heal.

Emotional Responses: You may feel overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt, or fear, especially during vulnerable or intimate moments. These emotions are our natural human response to trauma and part of the process.
Trust Issues: Building trust can be particularly challenging. Past experiences may lead you to question the intentions of others or fear vulnerability.
Physical Intimacy: Engaging in physical intimacy may bring up memories of trauma, resulting in dissociation, a physical sense of shutting down, or feel too uncomfortable, vulnerable, or painful to continue.
Avoiding or Numbing: It’s very common for people who have experienced sexual trauma to either avoid intimate sexual experiences in a vulnerable setting or use substances like drugs or alcohol to numb prior to a sexual experience beginning. It also is common to emotionally detach from the sexual experience through dissociation or use sex for feelings of power, efficacy, or self-worth.

Start with you

Recovering your relationship to your body and sexuality is, again, a deeply personal experience. While it may be impacting your intimate partner relationship, it’s also important to address your own relationship with your sexuality. Prioritizing getting to know your own body, sexuality, and thoughts and feelings around it will be important steps to care for yourself during this time.

Professional Support: Therapy can be invaluable. A mental health professional specializing in trauma can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or somatic based therapies can be particularly effective in addressing trauma-related symptoms.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques can help ground you in the present, reducing anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Practices like meditation, yoga, or deep-breathing exercises can promote a sense of calm and safety.
Establish Boundaries: Understanding your personal boundaries is crucial in the healing process. Communicate these boundaries clearly to your partner and allow yourself the flexibility to change them as needed.

How do I my partner and I talk about it?

Communicating about sexual trauma and your unique experience with it can be very challenging. You may find a part of you wants to talk about it, but another part of you wants to continue to avoid the topic all together. It’s important to choose a private, safe space and when you both feel open, and like there’s plenty of time to have an honest discussion about your experience.

Be Honest

Sharing your journey with a partner can foster intimacy and understanding. You don’t need to share every detail, but expressing your feelings about intimacy and trust can help them support you better.

Set Realistic Expectations

Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and communicate your needs to your partner. Let them know that your needs may not look the same every time, and feelings surrounding intimacy will change and evolve as you begin to heal.

Use “I” Statements

When discussing your feelings or needs, use “I” statements to express your thoughts without placing blame. For example, “I feel anxious when we get too close” can help your partner understand your perspective without feeling accused.

Support May Be Necessary

It’s okay to need support here. A couple’s therapist can be a great resource in helping you both navigate your sexual relationship and answer any questions about your shared process.

Go Slowly

Intimacy takes time to develop and cannot be rushed. Parts of intimacy include emotional safety, trust, and comfortability; all of which take time to build upon each other. Rebuilding it after starting to work on sexual trauma history should be a gradual and collaborative process.

Start with Emotional Intimacy:

Focus on building emotional connection and safety first. Engage in deep conversations, share your dreams and fears, and participate in activities that promote connectivity and emotional bonding.

Reintroduce physical intimacy slowly:

When you feel ready, explore physical intimacy at a slower pace. This could start with holding hands, cuddling, or gentle touch like massage. Gradually moving toward more sexually intimate acts as trust and communication builds. It’s important to have strong communication during this process to ensure that if the trauma is reactivated, you can pause, talk, share, express emotion before coming back to feelings of safety to continue onward. Create an environment with your partner where connecting physically and safely is the goal, and sex is the pleasurably byproduct of that connection.

Establish Safe Words:

Having a safe word can empower you during intimate moments. If things become overwhelming, using this word can pause the activity and create space to regroup.

Navigating relationships and intimacy after sexual trauma is undoubtedly challenging, but with patience, self-compassion, and open communication, healing is possible. Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Seeking professional support and fostering connections with understanding individuals can make all the difference. As you embark on this path, take one step at a time, and honor your progress, no matter how small. Your story matters, and your journey toward healing and intimacy is uniquely yours.

If you are in the state of California and open to 1:1 support, please feel free to reach out and schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with us.