“Intimacy is not something that just happens between two people; it is a way of being alive. At every moment, we are choosing either to reveal ourselves or to defend ourselves, to value ourselves or to diminish ourselves, to tell the truth, or to hide. To dive into life or to avoid it. Intimacy is making the choice to be connected to, rather than isolated from, our deepest truth as that moment.” — Geneen Roth

Cultivating a fulfilling relationship with sex is a lifelong journey. Like all other journeys, there can be moments of challenge, fear, and darkness, but there is also empowerment, light, and love.

What is dissociation?

Dissociating is a protective mechanism wisely built into the body/mind. It often gets some negative connotations surrounding it, but it is a natural response to protect you from pain or discomfort. Dissociation ensures some perceived distance or space between external circumstances and internal presence. Especially when external environment is perceived to be dangerous, threatening, or unsafe; dissociating may instinctually happen to protect from feeling the perceived or real harm or pain being inflicted.

Note, there’s a lot of emphasis on your perception! So even if the circumstance is not objectively threatening, dissociation may still take effect if parts of you perceive it to be threatening. A great example of this, is during sober, consensual sex with a trusted partner. Even though you are consenting and have a desire to engage in sexual activities, parts of you may perceive the situation to be threatening from a variety of reasons.

Dissociating in broad terms, feels like a disconnect between your external environment and being present in your body. This disconnect can lead to you feeling detached, floating above your body, or as though your body is not your own. You could feel a withdrawing effect, so while your body is still functioning or operating, you aren’t the one “driving” the interaction. You may feel strange as you think about your body, or almost in a dream-like state. It is sometimes associated with the “zoning out” look of someone, with a faraway gaze, eyes glazed over; when you can recognize someone not paying attention.

How does it show up in consensual** sex?

Dissociating during consensual sexual experiences can look like one partner engaging in sexual activities with another while feeling not totally present in their own body. It may feel like you’re watching from above, feeling withdrawn or shutdown, but still physically participating in the sexual acts. Partners who experience dissociating may still physically react with an orgasm and may still feel some level of physical sensations. Essentially, the body is still functioning in the way to be expected with sexual interaction, but for the dissociated partner, there is a lack of presence in the experience. It may also culminate with feelings of sadness, emptiness, disconnection, hopelessness, numbness, and tearful or crying spells afterward.

**I use the word consensual in this article purposefully, because it is important to note that nonconsensual sexual experiences, including unwanted physical touch, sexual assault, or rape, are harmful and threatening to the individual experiencing them. Therefore, dissociating is a natural survival response. The purpose of this article is to explore what’s going on when dissociating is occurring, but with a presently consensual partner.

Why might I be responding in this way?

There are many reasons you may be dissociating from consensual sexual experiences.

Here are a few:

Past lived experiences: if you experienced sexual trauma in the past, your body may remember the experience as being traumatic and therefore is trying to protect you from reliving the same trauma again.
Ideas or beliefs about sex, sexuality, or yourself: this one is very broad, on purpose! If you, or parts of you, hold fears, concerns, anxieties about sex or sexuality for any reason you may be struggling to remain present during sexual experiences. Examples of this include fear of intimacy, anxiety about past dissociation, concern about your sexual performance, sexuality, or sexual partner.
Body image: if you hold negative body image about yourself you may be responding with dissociating during sexual experiences to avoid being present with your bodily experience.
Stress: Sometimes stress can impact your ability to be mentally or emotionally present with the moment and your partner, while you may be physically present.

How to talk to my trusted partner about it?**

The first step to talking about it with a partner is to notice if it’s happening to you. Once you recognize yourself in some of the symptoms of dissociating during consensual sex, it may be time to discuss with your trusted partner.

It’s important to choose a private, safe, space to bring this up with your partner to have time for an honest discussion about it. It can be helpful to remind them that the sex is consensual for you, and this is a reaction your body/mind is having to your external circumstances. If you have an idea of why this might be happening for you, it could be an appropriate time to bring that up…ie past sexual trauma or increased stress.

It's then important to try and identify times when you had consenting sex with this partner and you didn’t dissociate, and what was different or unique at those times. For instance, maybe sex feels less threatening for your body/mind when you have a private, well-lit space. Or maybe it feels safest after having an emotional, intimate connecting moment. Or maybe it’s when you feel relaxed, with plenty of time, and access to many different sexual toys/props.

It’s important to communicate your safety needs with your partner to then best navigate your sexual relationship forward, then discuss options on what their needs are for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

**Note, I use the word trusted partner here, because it’s important that you feel safe enough with your partner to discuss this sensitive topic, and that they will respect your lived experience. If you’re having consensual casual or hook-up sex, it may not be appropriate to bring up the dissociation you’re experiencing or have experienced with that partner.

WHAT CAN I DO NOW:

Speaking with a therapist, who has experience in sexual trauma, is a great first step to uncovering why the dissociation may be happening if it’s not clear you. The therapist can work with you to look at historical events, beliefs, ideas, fears, or concerns you may be consciously or unconsciously holding on to that are impacting your ability to remain present and fulfilled in your sexual experience. If you recognize you are dissociating from sexual trauma, speaking with a professional is paramount to beginning the healing process.

Engaging in couples therapy may also be of great support to help you and your partner learn about how to navigate through difficult conversations, uncovering needs, and supporting one another in your sexual relationship together.

Start with what feels safe:

Explore or experiment with self-touch in a safe environment. Maybe that is fully clothed to start, reminding yourself that this is your body.

GO SLOWLY:

Connecting with your partner, taking regular pauses at different sexual “check points”. Communicating with your partner and checking in with yourself to see if you can remain present and embodied at different stages of your sexual experience. Notice when and where becomes overwhelming and dissociating happens. Try to move on to different intensity levels of sexual experiencing only if you can remain embodied.

Communicate:

During sex, it’s so important to remain in communication. Verbal communication with your partner is helpful, as your partner may not immediately know or recognize if you are dissociating. However, while actively dissociating, your words may not feel accessible if you are in the freeze state. Voicing your experience can help to stop the dissociation, but if words don’t feel accessible using a hand signal is also communicating.

USe mindfulness Techniques:

Grounding: There are many helpful grounding tools like taking note of your five senses, feeling into your extremities (hands and feet), self-touch like rubbing hands together. These can help you to feel more actively present in your body.
Breathing: Using the breath to anchor you to your experience, can be a helpful technique to remain present.

Dissociating during sex is a common phenomenon that can lead to distress with the relationship you have toward sex and yourself. Especially for those who have survived sexual trauma and feel the lasting effects of dissociating, self-blame or judgement, and a negative relationship to your body. Just know, that you are not alone in your experience. Cultivating a fulfilling relationship with sex is a lifelong journey. Like all other journeys, there can be moments of challenge, fear, and darkness, but there is also empowerment, light, and love.

If you are in the state of California and open to 1:1 support, please feel free to reach out and schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with us.